Need A Laugh?

50 Best Ever Jokes(Part 1)

1."Typhoid!Tetanus!Measles!"the doctor shouted.Puzzled,a new nurse asked the sister,"Why is he yelling like that?"
The sister explained,"He likes to call the shots around here."

2.Separated from his travel group in the Sahara Desert,a tourist begged a passing nomad for water."Sorry,"said the tribesman."I have no water,but I do have a selection of lovely ties for sale."
"You must be crazy,"the tourist replied.Close to death from thirst,he saw another nomad."Water!"he gasped."Give me some water."
"I have no water,"came the reply,"only these handsome ties that I'd be glad to sell you."
The tourist stumbled on until,to his astonishment,he saw a magnificient hotel far in the distance.Crawling at last into the lobby,he croaked,"Please give me water."
"I'm sorry,sir,"the doorman said."We don't let anyone in without a tie."

3.Judge to accused:"Have you anything to offer before I pass sentence on you?"
Accused:"No,Your Honour.My lawyer took my last dollar."

4.With the storm raging,the captain realised his ship was sinking fast.He called out,"Does anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward."Yes,Captain,I pray a lot."
"Good,"said the captain."You pray while the rest of us put on life jackets.We're one short."

5.Two cockcroaches were munching on rubbish."I was in that new restaurant across the street,"said one."It's so clean!"The kitchen is spotless and the floors gleam.It's the most sanitary place I've ever seen."
"Please,"frowned the other cockroach."Not while I'm eating!"

6.Late one night,after an evening of heavy drinking,Smitty took a short cut through a cemetery and fell into a newly dug grave.He couldn't get out,so he lay at the bottom and fell asleep.
Early next morning,the grave-digger heard moans and groans.He investigated,saw the shivering figure in the grave and demanded,"What's wrong with you,making all that noise?"
"I'm so cold,"Smitty shivered.
"Well it's no wonder,"said the gravedigger."You've kicked all the dirt off yourself."

7.Pierre and Francois were having lunch together.Pierre was very sad and declared,"My love life is finished."
"These are remedies,"Francois told him."Try oysters.Some people say they are miraculous restorers of virility."
"I am desperate,"said Pierre."I have a date tonight and will do as you suggest.Garcon,bring me a dozen oysters."He downed them,ordered another dozen,then a dozen more.
"You should't overdo it,"Francois cautioned."Oysters are very powerful.Let's go now.Call me tomorrow and tell me how you went."
The next day,the phone rang."Oysters,bah!"said Pierre."They are overrated.I ate three dozen,did I not?Well,only nine worked!"

8.A man went into a pub,asked for a scotch,drank it and got up to leave.The barman yelled,"Hey,where's my money?"
"I paid you,"the man insisted and walked out.Then another man came in,drank a scotch and did the same thing.When a third man entered and ordered a scotch,the barman told him,"Two men just came in and asked for scotch just like you,then left,saying they'd paid.Whar do you think about that?"
"Stop babbling,"muttered the third man,"and give me my change."

9.Babysitter to parents:"By the way,I promised Amy that if she went to bed without any fuss you'd buy her a horse in the morning."

10.A sales manager complained to a colleague about one of his salesmen."George is so forgetful it's a wonder he can sell anything.I asked him to get me a sandwich while he's out for lunch,but I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open and in came George."You'll never guess what happened,"he exclaimed."At lunch,I met the head of one of the biggest firms in the country.We got talking and he gave me an order worth $15 million!"
"See,"said the sales manager."I told you he'd forget the sandwich."